Managing family stress around the holidays with a child with autism

The holidays are stressful. Not only is it culturally expected to purchase presents for everyone in your life, but you also have to dress up your children in sweaters they hate and tote them around to holiday parties where there’s food they won’t like. If you have a child with autism, these kinds of things can get challenging. But with the right tools and skill set, the holidays can be merry and bright.

What to do about it

Communication is the key. If you feel comfortable doing so, be open and honest about your kiddo’s behavior. Be clear and consistent in telling your family your preferences for managing consequences and reactions to behavior.

It’s not a bad idea to be clear about treat limits. Grandma may think one more cookie won’t hurt anything, but it could make the day a lot more difficult if it leads to a sugary meltdown.

If your child has sensory preferences when it comes to personal space, ensure that those preferences have been communicated to members of your extended family. That way, they can be certain of what to expect and what boundaries to respect.

Let your relatives know what your kiddo likes and how to play with them. Clearly conveying the best way to interact with your kiddo can remove a lot of the uncertainty of the situation and improve everyone’s interactions.

When it comes to familial difficulties, like unwarranted opinions or unwelcoming interactions, remind yourself that the behavior of your families is not so much of a reflection on you as it is a reflection on themselves. Their interactions with you are influenced by their experience and behaviors rather than you.  Unfortunately, you can’t change someone’s behavior, but you can change your reaction to it. Don’t take it personally.

This is where boundaries come into play. Elanor Roosevelt said “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent,” which is a good way to understand the need to set boundaries.

Kindly set some clear boundaries with family members who tend to be more vocal about their opinions.  Let them know that the way that you and your family operate in their own unique ways.

However, if things keep progressing with vocal relatives, it may be a smart thing to just simply say “Thank you for your opinion,” in a charitable manner and then move forward by changing the subject without being directly confrontational. Remember, you can’t change someone’s opinion overnight, and the holidays might not be the best time to start to do that.

Plan ahead

Bring your kiddo a bowl of their own macaroni and cheese (or whatever their favorite food is), a change of clothes, and some sensory toys.

That way, if there isn’t any food that your kiddo likes at the party, they still have something to eat.

If their corduroy pants aren’t their favorite, but they’ll tolerate them for a while, it’s a good idea to pack their pajamas. That way, your child can be comfortable and ready for bed when they get home.

If they have some sensory sensitivities that can be overloaded with social anxiety or unfamiliar places, they have some toys that they are comfortable with to help them calm down.

Take a break

If you feel as though you are unable to respond appropriately to a statement or a situation, it might be time to take a break, and your kiddo is getting sensory overload with holiday parties, take a break.

Here are four break ideas for the holidays:

1. Go outside and take a holiday light walk, if you can. This is a great sensory input activity for your kiddo, and for you.
2. Count to ten before responding to someone.
3. Find a quiet area (perhaps a bathroom) and practice deep breathing.
4. Remind yourself of 3 things you’re grateful for.

Taking a brief mental break can help you manage situations that may arise, with your children or your family.

Have fun

If things are getting a bit too bogged down, it’s a good idea to switch things up for the better. Bring out a game of Scrabble, Monopoly, Connect 4, or whatever you have!

Play charades, sing Christmas carols or even watch a good old-fashioned Hallmark movie together. Breaking out the games and activities can decrease some of the tension and help everyone have a good time with a little more structure.

Pack it up

If your kiddo is having a tough time acclimating to the party it’s starting to seem like it’s time to go home and relax, it’s time to go. That’s okay! Doing what’s best for your kiddo at any given point in time can be one of the best things to support them.